Holliday was written by me age 17 on a sheep farm in Wales in 1992. By then the police men had done their job very well, two people went to prison due in part to my naivety and I had been expelled.

HOLLIDAY

I woke up, I remembered, it was a glorious day, the air was thick, the sun hot, the conditions were perfection it’s self. I explained to Kenny in the art room, one and a half tabs of acid, he was less casual then normal, in an almost patronising manner as if I was now fragile, he said “Think nice thoughts, don’t panic”.

Knowing how free I was with Ben’s dictatorship obsolete I decided to make some friends starting with Caroline. I rode across the forecourt repeating in my head ‘think nice thoughts’ I turned on Louis walkman that I had already wired into my self as loud as it would go without distorting, it still had the Carter tape I had borrowed from Ryan. I began to speed up, past Wilf’s swerving violently side to side I jumped the ramp all the time anticipating the beginning of the process.

The drive has always fascinated me, it has it’s moods, sometimes good others evil, even in it’s shortened state it holds countless memories of boys freaking out inside as they come back at the beginning of term and relief at the end.

Subtly I fell under it’s control yet I still felt that I could bend it to my specification and was in command, I didn’t fight it, I felt immense power and now the entire history of the drive, it’s very essence, every iota of feeling surrounding it were laid out in perspective before me, the drive remained the drive, but was brighter. I sped towards the end of the tunnel of trees, the feeling was honest, not that of uncontrolled deception, I remember in my head the word halosanec, halosangeen, haloesangernis a word  fighting to get out, the word was hallucinogenic I suppose in its singular form.

I was approaching the main road and gently put the breaks on, the pressure moving onto my hands, the front wheel slopping to the left almost of its own accord and there positioned itself perfectly between the left hand white line and the gravel, the bicycle continued at speed to the round about there I lent left off the vertical and I sawed around the bend to end upright on the straight tarmac. The other traffic was irrelevant, maybe there wasn’t any, the overwhelming satisfaction of these manoeuvres was all the mattered.

There was no physical exertion, I seemed to be gliding along the road, in broad sweeps. I conquered each hill and raced down the other side the wheels hardly ever touching the road. All my decisions like to speed up were a conscious effort that had to through my mind rather than direct to my legs.

I lost any perception of time, moments lasted for hours and some hours that must have existed, I can’t remember at all. I was now descending the road into Rhos, I stopped by the seaward railings and began to lock up my bike, remembering the combination was no problem but in my fear of the bike being stolen I went through the process with intense concentration, my hands were very able, not as if I were drunk, the problem was more conveying what I wanted to do to my hands. I crossed the road, traffic and people still irrelevant, I was above them all. I marched through the crowds of tourists feeling proud that I was a local and had a purpose, I didn’t move from my course and took large strides. I haven’t a clue as to how I missed colliding with any of them. Having walked up the street out of the crowds it occurred to me that I had no idea where St Mary’s was, having never been there on my own before I didn’t need to know. Full of confidence I asked a group of likely girls, they happened to be in the same house as Caroline and were heading back, shortly we arrived and they went in to get her, they ordered me in a typical female fashion to wait outside, I sat down on the pavement leaning against a wall on the opposite side of the road, it was blissfully peaceful.

Soon the door opened and Peggy strolled out, it was quite a relief, I didn’t really feel like battling with Caroline, Peggy greeted me and sat down cross legged next to me, her profile was beautiful, apparently Caroline was not around, she commented on my sandals, it was only then that I acknowledged what I was wearing, we talked intelligently and very satisfyingly, on both sides I think, I didn’t mention it, there was no point, it would have only tainted the air, we discussed Ben and Rob and St Mary’s closure, her in her usual jolly state, myself more soberly. We walked down the road and I told her, she protectively told me not to involve Ryan, she said “You have to save something for college”, “If you live that long” I replied, I didn’t bother to explain that it was a bit late as far  as Ryan was concerned, we sat down.

What must have been an hour later two boys came up to us and Peggy introduced us and told them to look after me, she had work to do and returned, the two lads who were apparently looking after me, had me in hysterics for a good few minuets, when eventually I caught my breath I said “So then folks what are we doing” I expected at best them to tell me to piss off, quite the opposite, they looked blankly to one an other and one said “We could go and see Emma”. These two characters were unlike anyone I had met before which is unusual as most people fall into a rough category, the smaller of the two called Reg was a less overpowering version of Mike and far more honest and pleasant, the other was tall good looking and very placid, as we walked they briefed me on what lay in store, they boasted about how they usually went to Emma’s cause she was a good cook, all the time I was aware of Reg’s urge to impress me, I’m sure he is the same with everyone. They suddenly in unison exclaimed “Quick Caroline’s coming”. “What’s the problem” I said,” She’s been talking about you for the last couple of days, something about a book shop”, bells rang and I wanted to speak to her but in my flattered state I carried on walking and they continue there speech about Emma which appeared well rehearsed, and made two school boys sound like two yuppies off a coffee commercial. After my dramatic introduction, courtesy of Peggy, they asked me what the matter was. I explained, which by now I was quite professional at, as if on cue Reg started spewing out his experiences of the drug world.

We arrived as Emma’s mum was leaving, they barged past and in the back door, I followed, Reg shouted for Emma, she entered the kitchen as Reg was pouring himself a drink, she was very good looking, I introduced myself, the usual questions came out including my age, we were obviously all in the same year. I explained that it was my 17^th birthday in two days, she suggested that we went out for a meal on the night, I was flattered, no one had ever treated me so hospitably, I made a blunder as usual asking where her dad was, it turned out he had died not so long ago, I apologised, she didn’t seem too upset, Dave I think that was his name, mentioned Caroline and Emma said “Stupid cow”. “Tell me more” I said excitedly, she began “We used to be good friends but now, since she has been mixing with you lot from St David’s she has gone all weird”. “That’s understandable” I said, she continued. “If she is with you lot in town she just ignores me, never introduces me, she thinks you are all hers” “Share and share alike, that’s my motto” I said, but deep down it saddened me, I’ve always been desperate to meet people, and here was someone in the same boat, on she went “The freak walks around with a rock round her neck thinking she’s god”. I tried to explain the way I thought Caroline sees things to the gathering but it was well beyond my capabilities “Is Robert a friend of yours” “Yes”, “Have you heard about him and Caroline”, “No” I said “But Rob has quite a track record” “Yes” she said “She’s been to his house she told me in explicit detail how they sat upon a hill in the middle of the night and drew each other”. This was all new to me, I even phoned Ben to confirm it, and it was so unlikely. If I wasn’t tripping my tits off I would have been sincerely pissed off, I know it has nothing to do with me but I should never be hearing this, it was probably a magic moment now degraded to the lowest level just because Caroline wanted to make someone jealous, and it had worked, immediately I saw her point of view, Caroline was a bit of a bitch, I never would have guessed that such a hippy could hurt someone so much, is this possibly what I had done to Orvil, I think it probably is, this was a day of learning.

We went in search of a venue to eat out at on my birthday, we soon found some place and there was lots of up-stairs in the Bistro talk of setting me up with someone, I didn’t take much notice and just said yes at the appropriate times, it was all quite a laugh, the attention, the attention they paid to me was staggering, it was like they wanted to get some reaction out of me. It was all surprisingly relaxed watching the world and these new found friends buzzing around me. Apparently it was lunch time, having been reminded of it I felt hungry, they had to sign in, I knew I was supposed to but had long since put my relation to my school at the back of my newly discovered and complex mind. I went with them, Emma went home, they began the apologies about school food even before we had arrived, it was like watching Neighbours, I knew exactly what they were going to say before they did. When we reached their school we were too late to eat, and they went hunting for food.

I sat on a conveniently placed bench, the swarm of pupils sauntered past wearing their Sunday uniform of jeans and ‘T-shirts, they all looked so happy and contented I remember wondering why, they’re not having fun, they’re not pissed, not learning, not breaking any law, they’re not even talking about anything of interest, in fact they’re not doing anything pleasurable, just living and smiling. The odd one gave me an impressive ‘over the shoulder, look down the nose’ look, I can see how Paddy gets such pleasure out of playing the freak.

Peggy came out, she smiled and asked “how’s it going” “so so don’t you know” I said smugly. The two turned up empty handed. We went into Rhos, I suggested we went and had a cup of coffee, I knew I had no money, without a word they obeyed and widened their stride telling me they were regulars at our destination, knowing there was no Mac Donald’s in Rhos I followed, on arrival I sarcastically said “Shit I’ve forgotten my wallet”, they took it well and paid. All this time, Dave was it, was feeding me cigarettes, the whole affair had me in stitches. It reminded me of the time I was in a café with Ben and Rob all of us splifed of our box in this quiet café in Conway on an art trip, I spilt cream all over myself and crawled across the floor arm out stretched with my wallet at the end, trying in vein to keep a straight face in an attempt to pay, whilst Ben and Rob laughed both pointing at me.

We set off to their house, I remember passing what seemed to be miles of uncut bright green hedges which brushed against me, constantly aware of the intense heat of the sun on my uncovered feet, it was all perfect. There boarding house was, well it was a house, the door was open and we waltzed in and up a staircase onto an open balcony/landing. I knew acid was hallucinogenic and was anticipating, even hoping for a halosanageen, expecting Mickey Mouse to pop out of the wall. It was then that I saw this solid looking timber table with a glass top and a complex black and white geometric pattern on it, it began to move, I knew this was the drug and I felt under control and that I could stop it at any time by looking away. I didn’t I stared at it and enjoyed in amazement as it flowed into other shapes and as different parts of it stood out and entered into the third dimension, Reg said something and I snapped out of it, I was a bit disappointed but assumed that there was a bit more to it than I has seen so far. I went in, into a large room that they shared with one other boy, the room was enormous and untidy, in a designer fashion clothes and other items scattered on the floor at equal intervals, it was cold and totally unconnected to the outside décor, this was ‘boy proof’ and it said it out loud. They said they were going for a swim and did I want to come, I said I would come along for the ride and to laugh at them. Reg had to phone home and I went with him, I sat on the set of carpeted stairs as he tried in vein to get through. I concentrated on the carpet, after a few moments it began to waver some of the pile flattering and a row standing on end like a wave of water it began coming towards me, it all remained only a centimetre thick in proportion to the room but there was terrific power behind the wave and the fibres themselves were not to scale, no fibres this small could bend in the way that these did and move so slowly and purposefully. It made me feel quite sick and it was less easy to look away, god only knows what it was doing to my head. Eventually he gave up and we returned to find Dave in his Bermuda shorts, they offered me a towel and some shorts, I really didn’t feel in the mood to battle with water, besides I was frightened that I would drown, I turned down the offer and I asked if I could take their stereo. Reg offered me a selection of horrendous tapes, I just slipped in Ryan’s Carter one and carried it out, it turned out that they had arranged this in advance and we were accompanied by a group of others. They all looked pleasant enough and I turned on the machine. There was only one who gave me and odd look, I was a bit wary of him, none of them new of my tripster condition, besides he was small and they tend to have something to prove. This didn’t affect anything and I skipped down the road to the sound of Carter, god knows how that is possible but I did it. As soon as we reached the beach I conquered the top of a ridge of pebbles and set up camp, the others hurled their towels and cigarettes at me. I set about seeing if I could distinguish between the selection of brands of smokes in front of me, I watched the smoke as it curled round my fingers, I tried to frame it against the sun. One of the boys came out of the water and asked if he could use my sandals as protection against the stones under the water, I took them off and he returned to his game. I don’t know what possessed them to go swimming in that soup, I lit up again and fell asleep on their towels listening to Carter.

I awoke with dripping bodies asking for their towels they had to go back and invited me to join them, for the first time that day I looked at my watch, it was eight. I said I better go and I got some cigys off Dave, Reg said he would see me on Tuesday, thanks for everything and off I went. I found my bike and only stopped once on the way back, to congratulate myself on a constructive day well spent and to have a smoke watching the dusk fall upon the insignificant conquered village of Rhos on Sea, the power was still there and I sped up the drive feeling overwhelmingly contented as I have never felt before.

I knew I had had nothing to eat but didn’t feel hungry and went to talk to Orv as Sam was away and Ben had gone for ever. I told Orvill about my day and he me his. It’s powerful and therefore dangerous and not to be messed with, I don’t advise it. “In what way” he said. I said ironically and sadly “I could only begin to explain to Ben and he wouldn’t listen”, already I sounded like Caroline must have to Emma.